Shockingly, there are no post-Valentine's Day chocolates... only because I ate them all already.
Nothing seems to be working, so I wrote a song.
Okay, so I had a little help from Carrie Underwood, bless her little Christian heart. And although I'm a devout atheist, maybe I, like the hero of this ballad, should be turning to prayer in these very dark times.
I hope you guys like it.
Jesus Take My Fork
She was nibbling last Friday on a chocolate cake
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Never noticing all the bites that she would take
Or the icing on her sleeve
Twenty pounds too high, but she was running low
On breath and blood sugar
It'd been a ravenous year
She had cake on her mind and her mind on her cake
She was eating way too fast
Before she knew it she was staring
In the mirror at a great big bulging ass
She saw both her chins start to quiver
Oh the snow outside it made her shiver
She was so scared
She threw her fork up in the air
Jesus, take my fork
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
Like the buttons on my shirt
Please save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take my fork
Well her fork you know, it landed on the floor
She grumbled and she cussed
Her scale, it cried and it pleaded "no more"
Under its layer of filth and dust
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been eating my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
Jesus, take my fork
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
Like the buttons on my shirt
Please save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take my fork
Jesus, take my fork
Oh Jesus, take my fork
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
(This delicious road)
Jesus, take my fork
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, ooh
On second thought, the Flying Spaghetti Monster sounds like a much more delicious saviour.
Sorry, Jesus.
